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‘The One with the Lottery’ Quotes

918. The One with the Lottery

Aired April 3, 2003

When the friends pool their cash to buy dozens of lottery tickets, disagreements break out over how to split the potential jackpot. Meanwhile, Chandler is expecting news about an advertising job, and Ross and Rachel are waiting for Emma’s first word.

Rachel: I have an idea. Why don’t we all pitch in 50 bucks, we’ll pool our money together and then if we win, we’ll split it.
Phoebe: That’s a great idea.
Ross: No, thanks.
Phoebe: You don’t want to win the lottery?
Ross: Sure I do. I also want to be king of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.
Chandler: Still on Amelia Earhart?
Ross: The woman just vanished!

Monica: How do you know she’s gonna start talking?
Rachel: Well, when I talk to her, I almost feel like she understands what I’m saying.
Chandler: Kind of like Joey.
Joey: What’s that now?

Phoebe: I hope I win.
Monica: Well, it doesn’t really matter. You’re both wishing for the same thing, right?
Joey: I can’t tell you what I’m wishing for, or else, you know, it won’t come true.
Monica: Right. But we know what you’re wishing for.
Joey: I can’t really say.
Monica: I understand. But you’re wishing for what we think, aren’t you?
Joey: I’m not really comfortable with these questions!

Monica: Phoebe, we lost half the tickets.
Phoebe: So what? Monica, we have the winning ticket. My psychic said I was gonna win, remember?
Ross: Weird your psychic didn’t mention anything about the scary pigeon.
Phoebe: As a matter of fact, she said that’s how I’m going to die. So excuse me for being a little skittish.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Gleba. Gleba. Gleba. Gleba! Oh, here it is. “The fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi.”
Ross: She’s gonna be a scientist.

Joey: Hey, that is so great about the job.
Chandler: Thanks, man.
Joey: And I’d like to think I had something to do with it.
Chandler: Oh, really? Why?
Joey: Well, before with the wishbone. I didn’t wish we would win the lottery. I wished you’d get the job.
Chandler: Oh, yeah? Listen, don’t tell Monica. She’ll rip your heart right out.
Joey: Oh, yeah.

Steve: Chandler, hi. I’m sure you’ve heard we filled the three positions. We just felt that with your maturity and experience you wouldn’t be happy being someone’s assistant.
Chandler: Well, no, no, no, no, no. I’d love to be somebody’s assistant. Answering phones getting coffee, I live for that stuff. And I’m not too mature. Farts, boobies, butt cracks.
Steve: Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. We’re offering you the position of junior copywriter.
Chandler: Me? That guy who just said, “butt cracks”?
Steve: Yes, that’s right. We’re excited about the level of sophistication you’ll be bringing to the job.

Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don’t want in on this?
Ross: No. Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I mean, you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times.
Chandler: Yes, but there’s six of us, so we’d only have to get struck 7 times.
Joey: I like those odds!

Monica: God, look at all these tickets. It’s so exciting. I haven’t won anything since sixth grade.
Chandler: Pie-eating contest?
Monica: Oh, you assume because I was heavy that’s the only way I could win something?
Chandler: No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries.
Monica: That was a good day.

Joey: Oh, my God, Ross, you don’t have Emma. And Rachel, you don’t have Emma. Where’s Emma? Who has Emma?
Rachel: Joey, relax. My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there.
Joey: I was?
Rachel: Yes, and you talked to her.
Joey: I did?
Rachel: She dropped off a casserole.
Joey: Oh, yeah, the casserole lady.

Monica: Chandler’s supposed to find out if he’s getting a job at his agency. But out of fifteen interns, they’re only hiring three.
Joey: Tough odds.
Ross: Yeah. If only it were a sure thing like your twenty-four state lottery.
Joey: Yeah, look who’s coming around!

Joey: Did you get it?
Chandler: One of the slots got filled.
Joey: By you?
Chandler: Sense the tone.

Phoebe: You are not gonna believe this. I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight.
Monica: Hey, that reminds me. I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work.
Ross: A psychic and a wishbone? Guys, give someone else a chance.

Ross: You know what? I’m sure your wish is gonna come true. But, you guys, just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp. That thing gets hot!

Rachel: Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win?
Ross: Uh, you’re not gonna win.
Rachel: Oh, I know. I know the odds are against us but somebody has to win, and it could be us. And then how you gonna feel? You know, we’re gonna be all like, “Everybody, let’s take our helicopters up to the Cape.” And you’re gonna be all, like, “Oh, I can’t, guys. I’ll have to meet you up there. I gotta gas up the Hyundai.”
Ross: Okay, I’ve heard myself on tape, and I sound nothing like that.

Chandler: I can see the headline now: “Lottery Winners’ Friend Filled With Regret, Eats Own Arm.”
Ross: Why would I eat my own arm?
Chandler: Well, you wouldn’t, but we own the paper. We can print whatever we want.

Joey: Ooh, I know. I know. We should pool all our money and buy the Knicks.
Rachel: I don’t really care about the Knicks.
Joey: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward.
Rachel: You would do that? I never get picked!

Rachel: I’m hoping that if she hears it enough, it’ll be her first word.
Ross: Although if we’re gonna do that, we should probably call me “Daddy” too.
Phoebe: Ooh. I like that, Daddy.
Ross: I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe: Is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy gonna spank me?
Ross: Well, that depends. Have you been a bad? No, I can’t.

Joey: Hey, I was with you the whole time in Connecticut. When did you even get those?
Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic.
Joey: [to Chandler] I’ll show you how.

Ross: Then I want mine too. And if I win I’m gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond.

Phoebe: Hey. If we’re not doing this together, we’re not doing it at all. Say goodbye to your tickets.
All: No! No! No!
Phoebe: Do not come any closer.
Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer? Valuable things are getting squished.

Phoebe: Hello. This is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologize. I shouldn’t have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady’s hand. It was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo.

Rachel: It is so unfair. It’s like that time they promoted Saundra over me at work.
Chandler: Oh. Was she related to Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: No, she was just much better at her job than me.

Rachel: Why aren’t you more excited?
Ross: Rach, gleba is not a word.
Rachel: Well, of course it is.
Ross: Okay. What does it mean?
Rachel: Well, I don’t know all the words.
Ross: You know, I’m just glad I didn’t miss my daughter’s first word.
Rachel: Yes you did. Gleba is a word.
Ross: Okay. Use it in a sentence.
Rachel: Okay. Emma just said, “Gleba.”
Ross: It’s not a word.
Rachel: Okay, fine. I’m gonna look it up.
Ross: Okay, great. You know what, while you’re at it, she said another word the other day.
Why don’t you look up: [blows raspberry]

Rachel: Well, you know what? There was a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win.
Ross: Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park.

Phoebe: You guys, what was the Powerball number again?
Ross: Seven.
Phoebe: We won.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: We won.
Monica: Let me see. Let me see.
Phoebe: Don’t tear it.
Ross: Phoebe, you don’t have any of the first five numbers.
Phoebe: I know that, but look, we got the Powerball number. We won $3!
Chandler: Wow, you think we should get that over twenty years or go for the big payout?
Phoebe: I don’t care. I’ve never won anything before. I can’t believe this.
Rachel: So, Pheebs, what are you gonna do with your $3?
Phoebe: Well, it’s not all mine. We all get 50 cents.
Rachel: Aw. You know what? You can have mine.
Chandler: Me too.
Joey: Me too.
Monica: Me too.
Ross: Well, I guess if everybody else is.

Joey: Hey, guys. So I just called the Powerball hot line. Can you believe it? Nobody won.
Phoebe: Um, I beg to differ.
Gunther: Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier and he found a ticket on the street right outside and won $10,000.
Phoebe: Coo. Again, don’t blame the pretty lady. It was not her fault. It was me, the pigeon. Coo. Seriously, stop staring at her.

Chandler: So now that you’re in, what are you gonna do if we win?
Ross: I don’t know. I’ll probably just invest it.
Chandler: Ooh, calm down.
Joey: Seriously, that’s your fantasy? To invest it?
Ross: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say, “invest it”? I meant, “Be cool and piss it all away.”

Joey: Monica? Hey, can I borrow the Porsche?
Monica: Okay.
Joey: All right.
Monica: But what is it not?
Joey: A place to entertain my lady friends.
Monica: And what else is it not?
Joey: A place to eat spaghetti.

Monica: What do you need it for anyway?
Joey: The Powerball lottery is up to 300 million and they don’t sell tickets here in New York, so-
Rachel: So you’re driving up to Connecticut?
Joey: Yeah, Connecticut. Not West Virginia.

Monica: Hey, maybe I’ll drive you up there. I’d like to buy some tickets myself. Yeah, with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use $300 million.
Chandler: Yes, because if I was at my old job, we’d say, “$300 million? No, thank you.”

Ross: Seriously, you guys, I can’t believe you’re gonna spend $250 on the lottery. I mean, that’s such a bunch of boo-hockey.
Chandler: I’ll ask. “Boo-hockey”?
Ross: Oh, we think Emma’s about to start talking so we’re trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her.
Rachel: Yeah. So get ready to hear a lot of boo-hockey, gosh darn it and brother pucker.

Ross: They’re towing your car! They’re towing your car!
Monica: I’m parked in a garage on Morton.
Ross: They’re towing a car. And I am seeing spots.

Monica: So did you come by to watch us win the big bucks?
Ross: Yeah. And then I figured after you win, we can all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it.

Chandler: Don’t touch the phone! I’ll get it! I’ll get it!
Ross: You think he washed his hands?

Chandler: No, that kid Nate got it.
Monica: Oh, I hate that guy. I mean, come on, kid, pull up your pants!

Rachel: Well, there’s two spots left, right?
Chandler: Yeah. I mean, I want this so much. I want to get one. I want my friend Charlie to get one. Except I don’t care about Charlie.

Monica: Rach?
Rachel: No, I’m good. I don’t want to get that turkey smell all over my hands.
Joey: I’ll do it. It’ll get the casserole stink off of mine.

Chandler: You know, I’m not sure a sports team is the way to go.
Joey: You’re not going to let me buy the Knicks? I can’t believe you’re taking this away from me.
Chandler: You’re right, it has been your dream for over 15 seconds.

Ross: How long until they announce the numbers, Mommy?
Chandler: I’ll take this one too. “Mommy”?
Ross: Oh, I’ve gotten into the habit of calling Rachel “Mommy” when we’re around Emma.
Which I now realize we are not.

Chandler: Hey, Charlie. Did anybody else hear? What? Susan got it? How? Oh, man, I would’ve slept with him.

Joey: But hey, there’s one spot left, right?
Chandler: Well, Charlie’s gonna get that.
Monica: Hey, don’t say that. You’ve got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job.
Chandler: He is the boss’s son.
Monica: Come on, lottery!

Monica: Okay, here we go. We need to sort through the tickets quickly to see if we’ve won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? Okay, how about this: We divide them into six groups of 40 and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.
Rachel: Ooh, I have another idea.
Monica: I’m sorry, idea time is over.

Phoebe: Well, are all the tickets in the bowl?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand?
Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand.
Chandler: Yes, there are. I just saw them a few minutes ago.
Monica: No, you didn’t. You must be mistaken.
Chandler: Honey, there were like 20 tickets on the nightstand.
Monica: Chandler, sense the tone.

Quotes from `Friends` episode `The One with the Lottery`, the eighteenth episode of Season 9. ]]>